Well, that was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life…..and it was freaking hilarious. I’m serious, I’ve never laughed so hard at a so-bad-it’s-good movie until now. It’s like an awkward combination of Power Rangers, the 1990 Ninja Turtles movie, and Re-Animator, all wrapped within an early-90’s-coming-off-the-80’s bun. Eastern cheese meets Western cheese, and even then, it’s still poorly done. The acting, the music, the writing, the editing, even the attempted humor, it’s all so wonderfully awful, and if it hasn’t become a “bad movie night” classic, then it definitely should be. I’ll elaborate on all this later, but as always, here’s the story.
So, apparently, aliens came down to Earth many years ago and altered humanity’s DNA, creating a new life-form known as the Zoanoids. These beings, led by the Zoalord, have been growing in power and influence over the millennia, most recently using a corporate front known as Chronos as their base of operations. The Chronos Corporation has an interest in these small ancient devices known as Guyver Units, which apparently hold immense power and are key in their bout for total domination. However, one of their scientists, Dr. Segawa, doesn’t approve of what they’re doing and steals the Guyver Unit from their lab. He manages to hide it in a lunch box by the river before being caught and killed by Chronos’s enforcers, a group which contains the likes of Michael Berryman and Jimmie Walker (and don’t you worry, folks, he brings all his “dy-no-mite” to this movie). Meanwhile, at a city dojo, Mizuki, Segawa’s daughter, is watching a martial arts class which her friend Sean is taking part in. While Sean gets royally beat in sparring (as he’s paying more attention to Mizuki than class), Max, a detective and friend of Segawa, takes Mizuki aside and tells her about her father’s death. The two end up leaving to go to the crime scene, and Sean follows close behind. Observing the scene from a distance, Sean stumbles upon the lunchbox with the Guyver still inside. He doesn’t quite know what to make of it but takes it home with him anyway. Sadly, his scooter breaks down in an alley, and he’s accosted by several stereotypes, including one of the students who owned him earlier. As they proceed to beat him up, the Guyver falls out of his backpack and ends up latching itself to his head when he falls on it. This results in a bio-mechanical body-horror-filled transformation into our titular hero: The Guyver. He makes short work of these rather incompetent gang members, until he sees his own reflection and freaks out, causing the suit to retract into two holes in the back of his neck. During all of this, the head of Chronos, Fulton Balcus, is furious at his minions for bringing back a faulty toaster in place of the Guyver Unit, and sends them out to fix their mistake, as well as bringing in Mizuki, in case she might know anything. Sean visits Mizuki the next day but is put off when he finds Max in the apartment with her. He returns later, however, and the two talk about everything that’s been going on. When Sean offers to go get something for her, the minions invade the apartment and kidnap her. Sean gets back to find the entire apartment ransacked and one of her neighbors, who was visiting, dead. Luckily, the minions hadn’t gotten too far, as the van is parked right on the side of the building, and two of them are arguing about how to restrain Mizuki. He manages to stun them and runs off with Mizuki, with Max following close behind, who had just showed up again. The minions give chase, transforming into their Zoanoid forms, including Jimmie Walker’s fish-gremlin-lizard form that’s about one step away from being Jar Jar Binks. They follow them into a warehouse and are able to capture Mizuki again. However, Sean summons the Guyver suit and engages in an epic fight (yeah right, “epic”) against the evil Zoanoids. He seems to have the upper-hand, but suddenly, while slashing at the Zoanoid holding Mizuki with his elbow blades (because, yes, he has elbow blades), it appears that he also sliced her as well, and she lays on the floor, covered in blood. Sean is distraught, which gives the minions enough time to overtake him. They figure out that the giant silver ball in his forehead is his weak spot, so the Berryman Zoanoid rips it out, reducing our hero to nothing but a melted corpse. Is this the end of Guyver? Will the Zoanoids prevail? Will this movie ever stop being horrendously cheesy? Tune in next week, same Guyv time, same Guyv channel. Alright, but seriously, let’s move on to my thoughts.
I don’t really know where to start with this. The Guyver is one of those movies where it feels like practically every aspect and creative choice was executed poorly. The acting and line delivery are way too over the top and oddly delivered, almost coming across like a bad dub of an East Asian film. In fact, considering the source material’s Japanese origin, they might have been trying to emulate the acting and film-making styles from that region, as well as Hong Kong, perhaps, given the “kung fu fighting” nature of the action scenes. However, while those sorts of films can be rather campy and overplayed, there is still often a sense and competence to them that allows you to buy the presentation, even if you ultimately might not care for the style. Guys like Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan, even for as silly as the latter’s films could get, still knew what they were doing and how to pull off what they wanted to. This film, on the other hand, comes across like it really didn’t know what it wanted to do, or how to convey what it wanted to. Take the scene where Sean fights the gang in the alley. The first guy that approaches him does so in this weird and awkward way where he kind of steps in and pulls back to and from Sean, almost like he wasn’t given sufficient direction on what he was supposed to do. The line reads are pretty awkward too, such as Michael Berryman’s reading of the line “How did that…..get in there?” when they find out the Guyver Unit was switched out with a toaster. It’s sounds like it was meant to be said nervously, especially since his boss is furious at him, but instead it just sounds like he didn’t know how he was supposed to say it. Also, the scene transitions, sweet mercy, they use the same one over and over. It’s like a lightning-bolt-shaped screen cut that flashes across the screen with wacky 60’s Batman-esque music accompanying it. It doesn’t matter if it fits the tone of the scene, which it usually doesn’t, it just comes right in, flashes in your face, and leaves. Not helping all of this is the films muddled tone, which doesn’t seem to know if it wants to be a dark action melodrama or a goofball comedy. One minute, the movie shows strange graphic body horror, and the next, the Guyver drops a crate on the Jimmy Walker Zoanoid, Looney Tunes-style. It almost comes across like they were trying to make a dark action/horror film, but then halfway through realized that it wasn’t working and tried to backpedal with a bunch of silly humor. I’m not sure when production on this film started, but considering that the first 90’s Ninja Turtles film came out a year before this one, and also had dark action and light comedy with guys in suits doing martial arts, I have to wonder if this was trying to capitalize on that movie’s success, or if it was altered in production to be more like that film (I’m leaning towards the latter, but you never know). Clearly, this film didn’t hit the mark like that one did, as the TMNT film never went too far into either the dark or light directions, so it was able to find a balance. The Guyver doesn’t achieve this, so the whole thing feels off and ineffective. I did notice that there were two directors on this film, and while one of them, Steve Wang, has directed a few projects (including the sequel to this movie, which I’m surprised exists), the other, Screaming Mad George, only has this film to his name, in terms of directing anyway. He’s actually much more known as an effects artist, working on films like Big Trouble in Little China, Predator, Freaked, Society, and several Re-Animator and Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I don’t want to denigrate the man, since he’s clearly talented, and the effects in those films are very impressive and distinct. However, jumping from one area of expertise to another, without much past experience to prepare yourself, can sometimes lead to poor results, so that might have been the case here. Granted, it could also have been a case of the two directors not quite gelling either, or maybe one of the higher-ups wanted the film’s course changed, or maybe the whole thing was trying to emulate the lower budget B-movie scene of Japan, which often have a lot of weird tonal shifts and overly cheesy deliveries. I might actually believe the last one, since apparently this film was made with the help of a Japanese film company, so maybe the whole thing was intentional the whole time. I have to be honest, though, even if that was the case, the whole thing came off as too awkward for me to even discern if it was all intentional or not. I wasn’t laughing with the film; I was just laughing at it. Even when it was trying to be funny, I was laughing more from how lame the jokes were, rather than how funny they actually were on their own merits. So, at least from my perspective, this film was a huge failure. While it is still more competently made than many other low budget films (this definitely isn’t Birdemic levels of production quality), it really doesn’t work well overall. However, that’s why I think this would be a perfect candidate for a bad movie night, or even a midnight screening. This is the sort of film where you get a bunch of friends together, maybe get a few brewskis, and just have fun laughing at this thing. Seriously, if Mystery Science Theater 3000, or its successors RiffTrax and Cinematic Titanic, haven’t gotten on this yet, they should. It’s prime riffing material. Before I wrap up, I wanted to note that this film is a bit of a Re-Animator reunion. Screaming Mad George, along with producer Brian Yuzna and actors David Gale and Jeffery Combs, have all worked on the Re-Animator series. Combs even plays a character names Dr. East in this movie, the directional opposite name-wise of is character in Re-Animator (Dr. West). If you’ve ever seen any of those movies, you might know what to expect from this film. Anyway, it’s about time to head out, so on to the conclusion.
The Guyver is not a good movie, but it is an enjoyably bad one, that’s for sure. I can’t comment on how it compares to its source material, since I’ve never read the Guyver comics or watched any of the shows, but from what I’ve heard, fans weren’t too happy with it. The sequel is apparently a better made film, but I’m not sure if I’m going to feature it here or not. Maybe somewhere down the line, but I haven’t decided yet. For now, if you want a so-bad-it’s-good time, then check out The Guyer. It’s a “bio-boosting” riot.